I started off this evening intending to create a vlog/blog about the experience I’ve recently had with life being unfair…not unfair to me – I’m in a pretty great place right now, great job, loving relationships and good health – but life being unfair to others around me and not knowing what to do about it or how I can possibly put this broken world into some sense in my mind.
However, as I was recording the video, I felt a wall of uncomfortableness (if that’s a word?!) form around me because I was not producing a blog that was inspiring, radiant and full of light and was not being the happy Amy I so often feel I need to show the world. My words would not come out right. I felt trapped.
I don’t think I’m the only one who ever feels like this. I think it must be a condition of humanity that we want to show our best and hide our raw, vulnerable, broken selves from other people.
But at what cost? To me, the cost is high. Rarely feeling fully seen and fully loved, berating myself for all that I’m not, and burying my true self under a ton of food/drink/numbing TV to not have to face up to my imperfection.
I feel that this is me at my worst, but as I re-read my words and watch my video, it is also me at my best. With tears in my eyes as I try to express the need at my very core – the need to be fully, deeply, imperfectly authentic and to lovingly accept who I am. Peeling off the mask to reveal who I truly am.