I’ve been thinking about motherhood, what with my mum celebrating her birthday recently and with Mother’s Day approaching fast here in the UK.
This age I’m in is one of babies a plenty as many people start families. I haven’t said this to many people but, if I’m honest, I feel petrified at the prospect of motherhood.
The first obstacle is whether I can even have a baby of my own and this scares me…having struggled with anorexia in my early twenties, I know I may not be able to conceive. I am faced with the sadness that I may have starved all my future babies as my body tried to preserve itself. It’s a hard thought to face and I feel such pity for the Amy of the past who needed rigid control over food and exercise more than she wanted a future. In some ways it would be easier to not try for children than to try and fail.
And what if I can easily have children? With what I put my body through, I don’t really feel deserving of the ability to carry a child.
And there it is…not the fear of caring for another human being when I feel I’m only just scraping the surface of caring properly for myself, not the worry of being too selfish to put another’s needs above my own… At the bottom of it all is that ingrained, dark, fearful whisper that I’m not deserving of happiness because of a period in my life over 10 years ago. It’s a time in my life I thought I had put to rest but it’s back in all it’s terrible splendour.
In the past it would have rattled me and sent me running back to my old patterns that feel so safe and sure – pushing down and denying my feelings with food. But instead I find myself just observing the weight in this discovery of feeling unworthy, experiencing the sadness of not forgiving myself…and also a recognising that this voice is from my past and I don’t necessarily need to listen to it.
This fear beneath might have stayed hidden if not for this blog – driving my behaviour without me knowing. However, being aware of it I can practice compassion for myself and start building myself up a bit more. Objectively I don’t think a period of my life 10 years ago should determine my experience now. I want to forgive myself. I need to forgive myself. And so my journey continues.
I feel so grateful for this blog. By writing about my experiences, I can step back and see with more objectivity. I’ve had so many lightbulb flashes of clarity during these few weeks of blogging and for this I feel such thankfulness.