I’ve been working on several blog posts lately but none have flown out from me easily…so I’ve just let the process be what it is and have waited and listened to hear what is right and authentic to share.
I suppose this post follows my recent reflections from taking part in the Local Government Challenge and how I’ve felt the most vibrant and alive when I’m following my own internal compass which tells me when I’m doing well without relying on the approval of other people or tells me when something doesn’t feel entirely right. When I’m in tune with my internal compass, it’s such a sweet experience and I feel truly alive, like I’m high on something…and that something is myself.
I’ve come to realise that these experiences have something in common – they happen during periods of time where I’m putting myself first.
Putting myself first feels a bit like a dirty concept as it feels selfish and like it goes hand in hand with trampling over everyone else in the world. I want to yell to myself “it’s not true!”
It’s like my head and my heart are saying different things. One part of myself is saying that putting myself first is about realising that if I don’t love myself enough to put myself in the number one position, how can I every truly help or fully love anyone else? The other side is saying that I have no right to come first and that if I do that, I won’t be loved.
I’ve started thinking about this a little bit in the below video…apologies for the swear word :S
In the mix is that, having grown up as a Christian, I spent my youth trying to put God first over and beyond myself and don’t think I’ve ever made the transition out of this mindset. So maybe I put other people in the God-shaped void and made them my number one priority instead.
What this really boils down to is being accountable to myself – this is my one and only life. If I don’t put myself first, who will? I don’t want to waste my life on trying to please others to the point that I’m not truly living a life authentic to myself. As good old Bon Jovi sang, it’s my life and putting myself first is now or never.
So as you can see, it’s a jumble of thoughts and feelings and it will take time to navigate out of the maze that I’ve constructed around myself. I want to put myself first so much and, as I’ve explore in another post about only having this moment in time, putting myself first is about choosing in each and every moment to do that very thing – to put myself first.
I know it’s tangled with other areas where I feel a bit lost:
- Needing affirmation from others, instead of getting it from myself
- Wanting to let go of control in my life
- Choosing a different story for myself than the one I’ve experienced
But this is a good starting point and a big bold declaration that I want to put myself first.
Image from http://www.simplereminders.com