blogging, Fear, Love, self-discovery, self-esteem, truth, Wellbeing

Being ok

As I’m writing this post, I feel a multitude of emotions…the most prevalent being panic and worry. When I enquire more into these feelings, I realise that they come from the fear that if I share these words and thoughts with you, dear friend, they might trigger action; they might lead to things getting slightly messy in my life, and that is really scary. 

So, I’m going to get down to the crux of it – I’ve already avoided writing these words by having a glass of wine (or two), googling restaurants in Abersoch, where I’m currently on holiday and staring at the amazing view here (although, to be fair, who can blame me as I’m in a breathtaking location):

IMG_0959.JPG
The view from Rockend, Abersoch

So here it goes…I fear not being ok.

This is where, in my head, you’re all thinking “So what?! What a fuss about nothing!” but nevertheless, I’m carrying on because these words need to be said. 

Yes, I say it again, I fear not being ok. I don’t know what not being ok means to me or why I feel such a blind panic about it. I’m trying to put it down here so you can understand why this has such a hold on me…

When I think of not being ok it feels similar to when I’m trying to hold back tears – my throat gets tight and I feel like the only thing separating me from total meltdown is pushing down my emotions and denying my feelings.

I fear these emotions so much that when I’m going into stressful situations, I make sure I have food on me so I can push my feelings down by eating if I need to. I fill my quiet time with TV and noise so I don’t have to listen to the uncomfortable truths of maybe not being ok and what this might mean for me. I plaster on a smile and say ‘I’m fine’ rather than share how I’m feeling with those close to me.

And yes, part of that is a rational response…not wanting to be the constant emotional hand grenade in social situations. I’m aware it’s not always appropriate or the right time to discuss my feelings.

But I don’t think I constantly overshare and so the chances of becoming a social hand grenade are fairly slim. Writing this post has also made me realise the toll that not admitting these feelings has had on me and, do you know what, I’d rather be a social hand grenade than emotionally constipated, constantly pushing all my feelings down with food/wine/TV/distractions.

So what does this discovery mean for me?

Most of all, I know I’ve just got to sit with my emotions as expressed by this beautiful Instagrammer:

13391328_1541702942804479_1265406833_n

I also know I’ve got to be brave and remove some of my safety nets – the food, the distractions – that prevent me from experiencing not being ok. 

Because I have a suspicion that my life won’t fall apart by acknowledging and facing my fears. One’s thing for sure…I’ll never know if I don’t try.

 

20 thoughts on “Being ok”

  1. Amy, i am in awe that you have the courage to share these intimate thoughts and feelings of anxiety and fear. You’re truly a kind and beautiful being, flaws and all (though I think your flaws and willingness to acknowledge them and improve upon them make u an even lovelier person).

    Like

  2. Beautifully honest. And love that picture and the message. I’m trying to face my own pain instead of ignore it, and learning that it isn’t the worst thing in the world – hehe.

    Like

      1. It can be terrifying. I’ve been learning recently that I have a lot of anger and would like to deal with it but still can’t go there all the way just yet. One day.

        Like

  3. Amazing expression – – I love authenticity.

    It’s funny we all have things that make us feel ashamed and we are terrified about expressing them but when we do the world loves us for it because we’re all not ok on some level!

    I experience being not ok as anxiety. Often the way I flee from anxiety is to escape into thoughts; but those thoughts are generally of such a nature that they just feed back into the anxiety.

    I’ve found that through sitting with the feeling of anxiety, just letting it be and not trying to change it it has lost its sting. I’ve also noticed funny things like most emotions feel very similar; anxiety before christmas is called excitement!

    The most ironic thing of all is that I have found that the entire negative colouring of an experience is generated through my rejection of it! By sitting down and meditating on my last migraine it actually became a pleasant experience to watch the pain, like white noise, move around in my brain!

    Have you ever come across a speaker/writer called Jiddu Krishnamurti?

    Like

    1. I haven’t heard of that writer, what do they write about? It’s strange, I haven’t ever identified as suffering from anxiety but can see that might be something I’ve been experiencing… I agree that meditating and reframing the emotion is really helpful. Thanks for your comments!

      Like

      1. He talks about how we should examine ourselves with a non-judgmental attitude “The highest form of human intelligence is being able to observe yourself without judgement”

        In his talks he points people to their own experience of themselves, he advocates a dismissal of authority on all issues of truth.

        He’s a bit baffling at first but that’s because most of our conditioning has made the simple appear complex.

        His dismissal of authority – outside of yourself – concerning truth is based upon – the obvious – realization that if you only know something as a statement then you don’t really know it at all. If you’ve never seen a tree but you know the word tree you don’t really know the tree at all.

        He also shows how all conflict in the world arises from conflict within the individual.

        Like most of us are opposed to ourselves. We have an ideal of who we should be (often imposed upon us unwittingly by social conditioning) and who we are naturally. He thinks – and I agree – that before one should even think of beginning to tackle external problems one must first reconcile their self with their self, eradicate the demons within before unwittingly projecting them outwards through your good intentions.

        Like

  4. All I’ve learned is that it’s ok to not be ok. And that’s where getting back to OK, begins, in determining why you’re not ok and making changes. I feel it deeply whenever I mess up and that helps me remember to not make those same decisions moving forward (and I need to FEEL it to be able to learn from my mistakes and make adjustments).

    You’re in great territory and good company.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s