As I’m writing this post, I feel a multitude of emotions…the most prevalent being panic and worry. When I enquire more into these feelings, I realise that they come from the fear that if I share these words and thoughts with you, dear friend, they might trigger action; they might lead to things getting slightly messy in my life, and that is really scary.
So, I’m going to get down to the crux of it – I’ve already avoided writing these words by having a glass of wine (or two), googling restaurants in Abersoch, where I’m currently on holiday and staring at the amazing view here (although, to be fair, who can blame me as I’m in a breathtaking location):
So here it goes…I fear not being ok.
This is where, in my head, you’re all thinking “So what?! What a fuss about nothing!” but nevertheless, I’m carrying on because these words need to be said.
Yes, I say it again, I fear not being ok. I don’t know what not being ok means to me or why I feel such a blind panic about it. I’m trying to put it down here so you can understand why this has such a hold on me…
When I think of not being ok it feels similar to when I’m trying to hold back tears – my throat gets tight and I feel like the only thing separating me from total meltdown is pushing down my emotions and denying my feelings.
I fear these emotions so much that when I’m going into stressful situations, I make sure I have food on me so I can push my feelings down by eating if I need to. I fill my quiet time with TV and noise so I don’t have to listen to the uncomfortable truths of maybe not being ok and what this might mean for me. I plaster on a smile and say ‘I’m fine’ rather than share how I’m feeling with those close to me.
And yes, part of that is a rational response…not wanting to be the constant emotional hand grenade in social situations. I’m aware it’s not always appropriate or the right time to discuss my feelings.
But I don’t think I constantly overshare and so the chances of becoming a social hand grenade are fairly slim. Writing this post has also made me realise the toll that not admitting these feelings has had on me and, do you know what, I’d rather be a social hand grenade than emotionally constipated, constantly pushing all my feelings down with food/wine/TV/distractions.
So what does this discovery mean for me?
Most of all, I know I’ve just got to sit with my emotions as expressed by this beautiful Instagrammer:
I also know I’ve got to be brave and remove some of my safety nets – the food, the distractions – that prevent me from experiencing not being ok.
Because I have a suspicion that my life won’t fall apart by acknowledging and facing my fears. One’s thing for sure…I’ll never know if I don’t try.