I messaged a friend yesterday. I told her my husband was away for the weekend and I was scared because of what that would usually mean for me.
Pressure growing throughout this week knowing I might comfort eat in his absence. It grows so much that it seems easier to just give into the food than live ignoring this impulse. This brings a weekend of comfort eating – starting and not being able to stop. Followed by such deep disappointment and disgust with myself that brings a new cycle of pushing these feelings down with food until I crack and cry. Acknowledge my feelings. And feel better. Until the next cycle.
This time I really don’t want to fall into this pattern. Since my recent post about accepting the feelings of not being ok, I’ve not felt the compulsion to overeat.
I’ve felt so much lighter, brighter and free. I don’t want this to end and that puts even more pressure on me, ironically bringing a greater likelihood of the thing I desperately don’t want to do taking place.
Today I’ve been feeling more anxious about what I’m eating…is it too much, is it not enough, am I eating too late, am I eating too early?
And then it dawns on me…
All these fears around food are because I’m not acknowledging my feelings. I’m fretting over food to avoid having to experience how I feel. I’m compelled to block my emotions. And this leads to my anxiety rising and my focus shifting to food in order to avoid my true feelings:
That I’m afraid of being alone because I’m worried about what deep, dark, sad feelings might I be confronted with. And I’m worried about how will I cope if I disappoint myself again and overeat.
But these are just projections into the future when all I am called to do is experience the present moment.
So again I say to myself ‘I’m not ok’, ‘I feel anxious’ and for a moment I let myself fully feel these emotions.
And my anxiety around food then disappears.