self-discovery

Control

Lots of things feel up in the air for me at the moment, dear friend, and the lack of control and fear of taking the wrong decision is driving me a little bit crazy. I feel like J.R.R. Tolkien so magnificently wrote:

“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread

And because I have no control over so many elements in my life, I feel like I’m clutching for control of things that don’t really matter.

If I look on the bright side, at least I’m not desperately controlling my food/exercise or losing all control around food and falling into the deep abyss of binge eating to distract myself from everything going on in my life. But it’s manifesting instead in not being able to adapt to any changes that are put upon me – from going into panic when plans are made that I have no say in to clamming up and shutting down when a comment is made about how I’m doing something around the house.

It’s a slightly tricky time for me and those around me (ok, mostly my caring husband) who has to live with me and my brittle shell of my existence that could snap at any time.

When I step back and consider my predicament, I am left with these questions:

Why do you need to be in control? What does it do for you? What if you just let go? 

And the truth is I don’t know the answers to them.

If I let go, I fear that I would fall apart or lose myself but the truth is that maybe I’d have more energy if I let myself be altered and just went with the flow a bit more.

Part of me is also worried that if I’m not focusing on these smaller things, I’d have to focus on the bigger things I have no control over and this fills me with panic/angst/fear. I don’t want to go there.

So, what to do? I’m not sure where to go from here, because the reality of my present doesn’t have any easy fixes.

What my present moment does have though is the ability to open me up to communicate more openly about how I’m feeling and what’s going on. For example, it’s lead to some really helpful conversations with my husband about how I’m feeling and more clarity about why he sometimes spends hours pouring over his files – it’s how he gets some feeling of control when he needs it.

It also gives me a new found appreciation for why he lets me do all the cooking (apart from him being lazy! :P) – because it allows me to have control over what we eat and he knows I need that more than he does.

So although I don’t have any more answers, I feel better for having written this post – thanks for listening, lovely person – because I’ve been able to step back and feel gratitude for not relying on food to bury my feelings like I would have in the past.

And it has shown me that the one thing I can take from this situation is the need to communicate more about where I’m at and how I’m feeling because it can lead to some really interesting and enlightening conversations.

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