I know that people who spark a negative reaction in me are reflecting back something I feel uncomfortable with about myself. So it’s really me I have a problem with, not them.
I’m going to be really honest here with talking about this subject and hope you don’t judge me too harshly, but if you do, perhaps it’s because you see more of yourself in me that you feel comfortable with, dear friend! So here I go…
I experience this negative reaction; let’s call it reflective judgement, with people who are very needy, who ask for constant reassurance. I think I have reflective judgement with this because I deeply desire this reassurance, I have this neediness inside me, but stop myself reaching out for it.
I do this in the attempt to get this reassurance from myself and not look for validation from external sources, but it’s also, if I’m truthful, because I think people will only love, like and accept me if I’m easy breezy and not at all needy.
Due to trying my best to not be needy, I can have a negative reaction around people who are open in their neediness. I can see this in how I have reacted in the past with a difficult family relationships – cutting people out – as well as people outside of my family who I have distanced myself from in the past.
I don’t really know where this takes me or how I can ‘get over’ this reflective judgement, but I suppose having an awareness of it can support me to step back when I feel the weight of this reflective judgement and respond in a better way in the moment.
I noticed this reflective judgement in another situation this week – I was standing in the shower, thinking about a women whose virtual coaching course I’d considered doing but didn’t because…and I feel so ashamed saying this…she is substantially overweight and I didn’t trust the product she was selling partly because of her size. The product she’s selling is all beautiful and perfection, when something in her life doesn’t seem to mirror this.
So I judged her, but really I was judging myself. Because in the quiet of my shower, these words came to me:
“You have to be the finished, perfect article to be worthy or hold any value”
You see, this is the flaw I had seen in her that was really a reflection of what I hold against myself – a judgement that until I’m flawless inside and out and until I am a perfect, finished article, I’m not truly worthy of anything – success, belonging, acceptance, love…
To be fair to myself, I think there is some truth in what I was feeling – she was selling a perfect product which may not be a reflection of her reality, but really, who am I to judge her? What’s her weight to do with the awesome product she’s developed?
Again, I haven’t got the answer about how I can stop myself being judgemental about this…but I hope that sharing my struggles with you, dear friend, will help me to face my demons – the things that hold me back and shame me into silence.
I want to be ok with needing others, and I want to live my life fully, going after my heart’s desires, despite my imperfections.
So maybe just sharing this experience here is the first step that I need to take along my journey of healing.