blogging, eating disorder, Fear, oracle-cards, self-discovery, trust

Trusting myself

I was sat in my kitchen early this morning, deep in my morning ritual of meditation and contemplation to start my day off well. And for no reason at all I thought of the cake tin full of cookies that is currently sat on my counter and experienced the wave of exhilaration and numbing I could get through stuffing a load of these delicious biscuits in my mouth mindlessly.

I felt scared by the power of this vision…perhaps it was in response to the words I had just read on a Rumi Oracle card:

“You may be wondering if you can attain this next stage of growth in your life. You are already well-equipped to do so, no matter what you might believe about the situation, circumstances, or others involved, even yourself.”

In the following moments after experiencing this powerful rush of feelings, I asked myself whether I was afraid of drinking all the alcohol in the house…and I felt myself firmly say “no”. So then, I told myself, trust that you won’t run to food.

I know my eating patterns are more complex than that – it’s about truly embracing and acknowledging my feelings, allowing myself to let my emotions be felt and releasing them, putting my voice out there in situations instead of shying away from how I feel.

It’s not as simple as just telling myself not to eat.

But it is about trusting myself. Daring to believe that I can attain this next stage of growth in my life where I start to step away from my crutch of food. Believing there may be a future where food is a pleasure, a necessity, a social event, a source of nourishment.

I trust myself.

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