Have you ever felt uncomfortable with having good fortune? I have.
Some of my discomfort is linked to being polite – no one likes a boast who continually flaunts all the amazing stuff going on in their life.
But I’ve been thinking recently that my discomfort is out of balance because it’s leading me to feel a disproportionate amount of anxiety about the good things going on in my life. It’s a mixture of not feeling deserving of all that I have, a worry that I’ll inadvertently upset someone and almost a paranoia that my good fortune will be whipped away from me.
And part of this discomfort is merited, I think. Because I am incredibly fortunate to have been born into privilege. My skin colour and nice looks open doors for me in life. I have a family with good means that has provided me so many opportunities in my life.
I did not merit this good fortune.
So I’m not talking about this good fortune, but more the anxiety I feel about sharing good news with people.
And today, dear one, I want to share with you the fledgling ideas I’ve been developing about this anxiety.
When I choose not to share my good fortune, I’m putting a judgement onto my circumstances and those of other people. A black and white determination in my head of what is ‘better’. And what I’m starting to question is why I place such judgements onto things and how a life without fixed judgement is a kinder and richer one.
Authenticity is something that really resonates with me at the moment. Sharing more fully of myself and not hiding who I am from other people. And perhaps I’d feel less discomfort in sharing the good if I also let down my barriers and shared my whole human experience with those around me. So often I hold back from sharing the hard stuff with people I love, but if I do that, it then also flows to sharing the good stuff with authenticity.
In the present moment when things are going really well in life, I can feel undeserving of all the good things I’m experiencing. But a lot of the good things I’m experiencing now have been born from years of difficulty. Years of struggling with an eating disorder. Hard effort to find my voice and accept myself. Struggles to find my vocation in life. We’re all on a journey, with good and bad, and remembering this puts my good fortune in context.
I’m starting to realise that a lot of my anxiety about sharing the good is based on not being in the present. Projecting about how people will react to things, worrying about my happiness being whipped away. And that diminishes my joy, my gratitude, my experience of the present moment.
In writing this blog, the thing that resonates me the most is how I’m pulled away from the present moment so much with my anxiety…after all, that’s what anxiety is – being fearful of the future – but how the best remedy for this is bringing myself back into the present moment to experience all that life has to offer – beauty, joy, connection, gratitude.
So I’m going to stop writing this blog and am going to be present in this moment and be grateful for all that life has to offer me.