blogging, Fear, self-discovery, self-judgement

A wave of emotions

I’m in London this weekend studying my third module towards my transformational coaching diploma (all about being present in the moment) and, if I’m honest, I’m feeling a bit raw from the session yesterday.

The weekend didn’t start with me feeling super pumped and full of energy to get going. As I’ve shared in a recent post, I’m feeling a bit stretched and know I need to readjust to get a better balance in life. But the day was really thought provoking and insightful and I got a lot from it.

In the afternoon our teacher suggested he could do a demonstration in how to hold space in a coaching session, working in the here and now, being completely available and letting go of the need to ‘fix’ anything. All the things that he had been exploring during the day. He asked for someone to step forward to volunteer as a coaching client and after a few moments of silence, I volunteered.

And oh gosh, I didn’t expect what was going to happen.

He asked me what I wanted to talk about and I shared how some changes in my life are making me feel quite anxious. I feel myself projecting into the future about so many things – ‘what will happen with X, will I be good enough, what if I’m not able to cope…?’. I also find myself being pulled back into the past as I ruminate and dwell on the lack of control I’ve had in certain areas of my life.

And suddenly as I explored these areas, I found myself breaking down in tears in front of the class. The strength of the emotions I felt shocked and surprised me, like being unexpectedly bowled over in the sea by a powerful wave.

And with the surge of emotions, out surfaced so many of my old negative thoughts that I felt I’d let go of long ago:

  • The need to be in control of everything
  • Wanting the acceptance of others and thinking I need to be perfect to get it
  • Needing to be the strong one that people go to for help, not the one who needs help
  • The fear of showing my flaws or reaching out for help
  • The belief that I’m broken and need fixing

I don’t have the answer to how I can remove these limiting beliefs, although I know that I’d like to release and no longer be bound by them.

I suppose part of the answer is accepting that this is where I am and allowing myself to just be here, now, in the moment.

I also know that part of it is reaching out to other people and saying that I need some help –  a bit more tender treatment and support as I go through this bumpy part of my life.

And perhaps it’s letting myself stay in the mess instead of scurrying to put myself back  together. Mulling over the thoughts that I have around perfection, feeling ‘broken’, being strong, showing my flaws.

So thanks for being on this journey with me. I know it’s not always pretty and light, but I know it’s the most important journey I can take on life and it’s easier for having you by my side.

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