I shared the happy news with many people yesterday that I’m pregnant and am expecting the arrival of a little boy in late December. It’s such a happy and exciting time, but it’s also a time of so much uncertainty.
Will I be a good mum? Am I going to mess this little chap up? Will he be as sensitive and complex as I am and how will this impact his experience in the world? Will he be as logical and straight forward as my husband and not be able to ‘get’ me? Does he need to ‘get’ me? Is this too much to ask of him? What about going back to work? Will I be able to return and do a job that I love with as much zeal as I do now? Will I be able to keep up this blog and continue to grow my coaching business? How can I be a mum and still be me? Will I lose myself in the love that I’ll find for this new person?
These are just a few of the questions that I find myself being inundated with on a fairly frequent basis.
And there is so much out of my control, so much I’m trying to squeeze into work before I leave for 6 months of feeding and staring in wonderment at the little person we’ve made, 6 months of sleepless nights and squidgy baby cuddles.
I care so much about it all – my work, my coaching, my little person, my life – and I just don’t see how all this can fit in.
The expectation and pressure I’m putting on myself is too much.
And then I feel a little baby kick, a movement from the very depth of me. A gentle reminder of this life that is growing. Here. Now. Perhaps this little one will teach me the lesson that I’ve found so hard to grasp – how to let go of control and just be here, now, in the moment.