blogging, eating disorder, recovery, rest, Wellbeing

Pace

This is my first free weekend in quite some time, and the first day that I have not many plans besides meeting a good friend for coffee. I feel jittery inside, like I’ve been running at a speed for quite some time and am not sure how to slow down and find a slower pace in my life.

It’s like I have become accustomed to going at 100 miles an hour and although it’s not a comfortable speed to keep up, it’s the speed I had settled into.

Constantly on, busy in and out of work, lurching between being highly of alert or dead to the earth in sleep.

I know I wasn’t calm or content (and geez, you’re probably sick to death from hearing about it in the numerous posts I’ve written complaining about how full my life is!). I know that the speed wasn’t sustainable. But at the same time, I’m not sure how to go slower.

In the past, I would either write a long list for myself of things that I needed to do during the day, keeping up the busyness in solitude, or I would eat away the day to push down the jittery feeling of trying to find a new speed.

And I don’t want to do either of these things.

I have to say how deep my relief and gratitude is that food no longer holds the same sway in my life today as it has in the past. Yet still I’m unsure how to find a new pace.

I think over what I could do – things I’ve explored here on this blog before with you, dear friend. Spending time playing my ukulele, putting on a face pack, using my oracle cards, watching a film, reading a book…and there are some things that I need to do as well – shopping for suntan lotion and packing for my upcoming holidays to Hawaii!!!

But I still feel like I’m coming down from a high, and I suppose I am – coming down from the adrenaline that has been pumping through my body over the past months.

And there is something to be gained in recognising this experience for what it is – coming down from the high, sinking into the itchy, twitchy, discomfort of finding this new, slower pace.

And there’s also something in remembering what I wrote in my recent blog post about being in the moment. I don’t need to know that today will be a ‘success’ or that I’ll be able to ‘cope’ or have a ‘productive’ day – these are all judgements of what I think I should do. I just need to be here, now, writing this post to you…and when this is done, move onto what instinctually feels right for me. I don’t need to have a plan for the day, or accomplish anything, or feel like the day has achieved something.

I just want to settle into this new, slower pace. To be in the moment and replenish myself. To rest and recuperate. And that can be enough for today.

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