I’m back from my holidays – straight back into the rush and hustle of my life – and am reminded of a conversation I had with my midwife at an appointment a few weeks ago.
I shared with her how I might need to slow down for my own sanity as things have been so busy recently. And she surprised me with her response. Instead of agreeing and telling me to slow down, she said:
I used to think that I was just going through a busy time and waited for everything to slow down…until I realised that the ‘busy’ was normal. It was part of my life.
And I felt something click as I saw her experience mirrored in my life.
You see, I keep on having the expectation that something will change – that this ‘busyness’ will one day stop by itself – when really it’s just how things are.
And so where does this leave me?
Because I’m certainly not happy to just accept that this is my life and to continue on this ever speeding-up merry-go-round existence but nothing will change unless I do something differently.
And here are my thoughts about what I might do.
How I react
After the first day of my coaching course, I can see that part of me reacts to this level of busyness from a child ego state:
“It’s not fair! Why is my life so busy! Why won’t people just leave me alone and stop expecting so much from me!”
I know this isn’t right – I’m the one who accepts the engagements, makes the plans and puts the level of expectation on myself…and so I’m the one who can take the choice to react differently – consciously, appropriately – to the situation.
I know deep down that I need to make different choices – having this level of busyness in my life isn’t how I want to live. I’ve written about this so much before on this blog that you’re probably sick of hearing me and unless I make different choices, I will always experience life in the same way.
The choices aren’t necessarily huge ones that need to made. I’m talking about small incremental changes.
This may show up as not squishing things into every moment of my life – I’ve done this by asking my mum if we can speak on Monday instead of speaking tonight I am tired and unfocused. Or it may be taking some decisions about whether I’ll accept invitations and make plans (or not) based on what truly matters to me in life.
I also feel it’s important to recognise what is behind the behaviour that leads me to feel so busy and overwhelmed:
- Wanting to please others by doing what I think they want
- Lack of foresight – accepting different invites without considering all the other things going on in my life
- FOMO – a fear that something awesome is going to happen without me being there
- Not communicating my needs or expressing my expectations
I’m not saying these things to be down on myself but because I know I need awareness to bring about change.
Where does this leave me?
I know I’ve been like a cracked record, dear friend, writing so frequently about being overwhelmed and how I need things to change…and I feel something changing.
A resolve in myself to now move to action. A refusal to push things down and keep on going despite feeling overwhelmed. A determination to not put any of the expectations I carry onto my son.
A whisper coming from inside me that I can be free – that there is another way to live.
And with that, there is hope. There is a promise of what could be. A life with more space, more joy, more presence. A life with greater courage, truth and love.