I’ve written recently about the permission that I’ve given myself to relax instead of being directed by what I think I ‘should’ do. This practice has been so helpful in my home life – it’s enabled me to let go and truly relax – but I have to say that this weekend has really challenged me. I’m on a weekend away with a group of friends and have at moments felt lacking as I’ve found myself unable to keep up with the antics and energy of the group.
I’ve asked myself where this feeling comes from – why do I feel so lacking? I think it’s due to the ‘shoulds’ that I’m feeling around being sociable.
I should be able to keep up with everyone.
I should be more at ease in a big group.
I should be funner than I am.
But if I listened to my heart and did what I truly needed to do, I would just relax and find moments of quiet and peace during this time. And to do this, I think that I need to give myself permission to be seen as boring, which sits really uncomfortably with me.
I don’t know why being seen as boring is so hard to take…I’ve never been anything but accepted by the friends I’m with.
Perhaps it’s because I’m pregnant and out of my depth with this new dynamic of being the sober one or perhaps it’s because there are some new people here this weekend and I want them to think that I’m kind, friendly and outgoing. But I’m beginning to think that maybe that person isn’t me; at least the outgoing bit isn’t me. I’m more of an introvert. And that’s ok because being an introvert doesn’t make me boring. It’s not a judgement call.
I mean, some people may find me boring, but I don’t want my worthiness to be defined by the opinions of others – my worthiness is something I define and own.
So I’m going to give myself permission to be seen as boring. To finish this blog and then go read my book snuggled in bed. To go out for dinner with everyone else but be ok with coming back and having an early night if I want to.
It still feels uncomfortable to sit with being boring, but it also feels right. For the truth is that I don’t want to live my life looking for the approval of others so I’ll risk being seen as boring in order to embrace, love and accept who I truly am.