It’s been a funny old day. I’ve felt a bit strange, out of sorts and a bit crotchety. It wasn’t until mid-afternoon that I realised why I was feeling this way…because I was living my last day in Brighton as a non-parent. It feels like there should be another word for ‘non-parent’ as it seems so very opposite to the state of being a parent. Like being single or in a couple. The inverse of each other and yet there’s not a defined word for it as far as I’m aware.
But back to this funny day and how weird I find it to contemplate that I’m going to be a parent when I come back to this city I call home…and I don’t think I’ve quite come to terms with what this means. To me it means relinquishing carefree weekends and evenings, less time and money to spend doing whatever I like, few evenings with friends without having to think about getting up early the next day.
And the biggest one – letting go of being part of a pair to make way for a family unit.
I feel so selfish stating these things because I know others dream of being in my fortunate position of being pregnant and others long to just find their place in a pair – I’ve got so much going for me. It seems wrong to be so ungrateful for the beautiful thing which is going on for me.
But it’s my truth, it’s where I am and I know from past experience that there’s no point in denying what’s going on.
When I think about what’s happening and why I feel the way I do, I understand that I’m mentally and emotionally having to let go so much stuff (my freedom, career, ability to spend lots of time with friends, no-one to think of but myself) without truly understanding what I’ll be picking up. I’ve seen and heard from so many people what a joy having children is but I can’t quite see it yet. I can understand theoretically but it doesn’t quite seem real. And so I feel like I’m sacrificing so much for something I’m a bit unsure about.
Not unsure as in I’m not happy to be having him. Not regretting the active decision to grow this child of mine. But unsure about what it’ll be like, whether I’ll miss my non-parent life, how my marriage will change as a result of this new life.
And maybe that’s ok. Normal even.
And part of this letting go isn’t understanding it all or working it out; coming to peace completely with it in my head and my heart. I’ve a feeling that I might feel this way until (and even after) the baby is here. And what I need to do is just acknowledge what feels a bit off and cut myself some slack, share what’s going on with both my husband and with you, dear friend so that I’m not going through this alone.
The funny thing is that when I acknowledge how I’m feeling – regardless of whether I’m able to solve what’s going on or not – I find myself able to let go just a little bit and enjoy my last moments as a non-parent.