Time for me

You may start to notice a theme arising in the time I post my musings and general thoughts about life…they are starting to coincide with the 30+ minutes I have to myself as I travel to and from work. These minutes are truly time for myself.

Time where I don’t have to think about the well-being of my little man or tasks to do at work or things I need to do at work (although all those thoughts are permeating somewhere in the back of my mind).

This transit time is, I firmly believe, going to become the firm ‘me’ time in my day.

Time where I don’t talk to anyone.

Time that I can use for myself and exactly what I want to do.

Time that I don’t hold any expectations about.

And if I was the leading lady in my own life, I know I would protect this time fiercely. I’d choose to take the train alone and kindly tell people who made conversation with me that I was busy during this time (I feel ashamed saying this, like I should be grateful for people wanting to talk to me or that I’ve just outed myself as being the hermit I truly am!).

I’d do things I wanted to do in this time – read a book, listen to messages from friends, stare out the window – and only what I wanted with this time.

I’d stay off social media and messaging apps that sometimes muddy my head with the constant flurry of input. I’ve got other time for that in my life. My ‘me’ time doesn’t need to be filled with that.

I’d enjoy writing here to you, dear friend, but only when I wanted to. With no expectation about how many posts I should write a week. Writing to you (and for myself) is a passion of mine that I want to nurture with energy and love, not strangle or stifle with expectations.

I suppose I’m writing about this to you because it is dawning on me just how important this time will be for me (for my sanity, my wellbeing, to feel energised for the coming day, to thrive in my life) and I want to give myself permission to seize this time for myself.

I’m also grappling with how to be selfish boundaried with this time so that I consistently get it to myself. How do I tell people that this is my time for quiet and reflection without being rude? Or more so how can I be ok with being seen as rude to get this time that I most desperately want?

And I suppose, if I’m honest, my grappling here comes down to fear.

Fear of not being accepted.

Fear of being too much or not enough.

Fear that I’m not acceptable.

And the frustrating thing is that I know in my head that I am enough as I am. That I’m allowed to want stillness, that my need for stillness and solitude are just as important as other people’s needs for companionship and conversation.

It feels like I’m on the edge of a diving board. Knowing what I want and being at the precipice of jumping in but still being fearful of what this could mean. And it will be scary until I take that leap and jump into the life I want to live.

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