Questioning

I’ve now been back at work for two weeks and as I’m sat in the car on the way to a family day out I’m reflecting about how much motherhood has changed me. I feel like everything has been thrown up in the air and I’m left questioning the fundamentals in my life.

Who am I?

What do I want to do with the time I have on this Earth?

What is my greater purpose?

It feels like I’ve been upturned or my world has been flipped upside down. I just don’t know anything anymore.

Well, that’s not true. I know that I love my family more than I’ve ever loved anything else. I know that I want Jenson to come first at this time in life. I know that I need to express this uncertainty instead of keeping it hidden inside me like a secret. And I know that it’s ok to not have everything sorted, all the questions answered.

So I know a lot.

And instead of jumping into finding my purpose – studying something new to change career, change the colour of my hair to feel different or strike into action, I find myself being called to listen in stillness. I’m drawn to paying attention to what I’m noticing, I find myself wanting to slow down. It’s different to what I’ve usually done and I’m willing to give it a go.

So here I go on this new adventure into who I am and what I’m called to in life. Thank you for being here for me, friend, as I express what’s going on for me. It may be a journey I take along, but one that feels less lonely with you by my side.

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