blogging, eating disorder, self-discovery

Have I…?

I was sat in my living room tonight, just relaxing while my husband got us a little pudding to eat. Instead of busying myself – reading, texting or doing something or other – I just sat and breathed deeply, observing what was going on for me.

And I realised in that moment that some part of me still judges a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ day based on what I’ve eaten. A vestige of my days ruled by disordered eating.

I knew it wasn’t a way that I want to live. For I know that I am so much more than what I eat or don’t eat. And so I asked myself what other measure I’d like to have for deciding how I felt about my day…and the following questions came into my mind:

  • Have I tried my best today?
  • Have I been the best mum I could possibly be?
  • Have I been the best wife I could possibly be?
  • Have I treated myself with as much kindness as I could possibly show myself?

And in that moment I knew that I could say ‘yes’ to the above. I had done my best at work, I had been the best mum I could be – patient, loving, encouraging, I had been the best wife I could be – grateful, loving, helpful, and I had shown myself kindness. Especially in the act of redefining how I want to measure myself and my success.

Not focusing on what I had eaten – an arbitrary amount that I’ll forget in a few days. Not focusing on what size I am – something that isn’t a reflection of the the size of my heart, the speed of my brain or the measure of my courage.

Instead judging myself with kindness and care.

Today has been a good day.


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