If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll be aware that I’m on a path to create greater levels of self-love. It’s something I’ve been working on for years. I’ve made progress, but like an onion has many skins, this journey to self-love also does. Once I’ve peeled off one layer, I discover another layer of unhelpful beliefs, values and actions that I need to unravel and discard to find greater levels of love for myself.
I’ve written about my experience of realising that I often resist feeling loved and about the practice of connecting to my heart regularly and I suppose this post is a ‘what happened next’ from putting all this stuff into practice…so here I go.
I was putting Jenson to sleep and decided to spend some time focusing on my heart to try to hear the message that it wanted to send me. It wasn’t easy at the start – I spent about 10 minutes with my mind drifting off this and that and every way until I started to focus and meditate on my heart.
I imagined a bright green light coming from the centre of my heart (green is the colour associated with the heart in sacred Indian texts) and pictured this light and filling the whole of my body. With every breath in and every breath out, I imagined that this light was expanding more and more in and around my body. Like when you’re blowing up a balloon and it expands and expands and expands.
When I felt this light reach my head, I suddenly felt like a part of me, deep inside, was communicating with me. And here’s the message it said:
“Love every bit of you. Not just your heart but your head too and those ‘voices’ you find less acceptable. From your inner critic to the side of you that is like a scared child, your inner mean girl and your bad-ass side.”
All the facets of myself that I’ve mentioned above are part of who I am. And I’m so much more than that too. I’ve got jealousy, generousness, gentleness, fierceness, a child-like wonder, a controlling streak…and so much more.
This moment of meditation, focusing on sending love all over me, showed me a truth. That letting me love myself means pouring love over all of me, even the parts that I find lacking. It means sending generous measures of beautiful love to every little bit of me that is a bit frayed, a bit tender, a bit hurting, a bit less than perfect.
Loving myself more isn’t just about beefing up all the areas that I like to show of myself – my kindness, my intelligence, my generosity, my creativity. It’s about loving the whole of me.
What a revelation that came from just one moment of stillness. And what mercy it was to name each of those areas I’m less than proud of and tell them just how much I love them.