I am currently sat on the train going to work and wanted to share a quick experience with you, dear friend.
It’s been a bit of a night for me, well, to be honest, every night is a bit of a night at the moment with 4+ wake-ups with Jenson where the only way to settle him is to sit up and cradle him in my arms.
And so today I’ve got out of the bed on the wrong side. Too quick to temper, my inner child stamping its feet if something isn’t 100% right off the mark, feeling like a grumpasaurus. And it’s only 7:15!
I was reading my book on the train – one about developing as a leader – and judged for myself for my shortcomings. I feel I have still so far to go to become anywhere near proficient at what I was reading.
But then I found myself looking at what was going on, as if from a third person’s point of view. And I realised that I was being less than kind to myself when what I really need is patience, understanding, gentleness for myself.
It hit me then and there that this voice was the gentle, balanced one that I’ve been wanting to find for a while. She was finally speaking out! Not after the fact of me being mean, judgemental, less than kind about myself, but joining in with the conversation, appearing in the moment!
Her voice is one that counters all the internal ‘mean girl’ comments I make to myself, the qualifier voice that discounts my experiences (you can’t be sorry for yourself because ‘X’ person has it worse off than you) and the part of myself I fondly refer to as ‘Mabel’ – the timid, scared child side of me who is constantly trying to make me feel safe in an unpredictable world.
To me, this new voice seems like a witness of sorts. Able to step outside what is going on and give me a more balanced view.
I know that this experience is a small thing, a tiny step on my journey to greater kindness for myself, but it feels like a massive thing that I want to celebrate! So even though part of me feels weird sharing this with you (will you think me strange for giving names and characters to all these sub-personalities that I’m formed of?!), I’m putting it out there.
Because this is huge! The start of an internal rebalancing, the discovery of a kinder internal voice, a hope for greater peace and self-love in my life.