It’s been almost a year since I became a mum. Where has that time gone by?!
And as Jenson’s birthday approaches, I wanted to take some time to reflect on how these 11 and a half months have been for me…
Ha, the first thing I think about because it’s the thing lacking the most in my life with Jenson on the scene!
How I wish I knew how easy I had it before Jenson came on the scene. Eight hours of interrupted sleep each night – on the weekends, I’d be well into the double digits of hours slept. Even when pregnant and I’d find myself waking at 3 or 4am, I’d have the time to myself to do whatever I wished. And the ability to snooze the evening away after work.
I go to bed most nights at 9pm and in truth I’m mostly in bed by 8:30pm, because otherwise I just don’t feel at my best.
But despite the early wake-ups, I can’t help but have a smile on my face when I see my cheeky chap beam at me first thing as if to say ‘good morning!’. He really makes the wake ups worthwhile.
But I’d love a few more hours of rest!
I didn’t know that parenthood would change me so much. Sure, I thought that my priorities would change, but I didn’t think that it would change my whole worldview and leave me feeling adrift with the uncertainty of how I fitted into the world.
Hungry to do more and have more of an impact but not knowing how. Something I’m still pondering on now.
But things are more important than they were before Jenson came on the scene.
What we’re doing to our planet – the path we’re on which could ramp up to global annihilation.
The pain we’re inflicting on other living creatures through our drive for cheap and tasty food – dairy, meat, fish and eggs.
Our education system which doesn’t allow everyone to thrive.
Our social security net which is getting smaller and smaller with so many people left behind.
All the things I wrote about when Jenson was 8 months old (in this post here) is still true today.
Before having Jenson, I wanted to climb the ladder, have a greater impact and (let’s be honest) get paid more money. I wanted a role such as Head of Organisational Development or perhaps was open to even moving sideways into another area and had started to believe that I could become the head of an organisation at some stage.
But this has changed for me since J-dog came on the scene.
With everything so stretched in my life right now, I can’t think of anything less appealing than taking on more responsibility.
I don’t mean that I want to do interesting work or stay in my role as it is forever. In fact, if there’s one thing that hasn’t changed with my relationship to work, it’s needing to be constantly challenged and to have the opportunity to do new and stretching things.
What I’m talking about is not wanting the greater volume of stuff to process. Huge volumes of emails, days spent in meetings and therefore having the pressure of working in the evening and at weekends.
That has no appeal to me.
I want to live.
I want to have a balanced life where I’m able to come home and forget work so I can be fully present with my family.
And maybe I’m doing myself a disservice by thinking that the two things are impossible, but I sort-of think that a greater workload comes with the territory when you move into a senior leadership role.
So, for the moment at least, my focus is on enabling myself to have opportunities for interesting scope within my role. Stretching myself and putting myself in the way of fascinating people and interesting possibilities.
And other things have changed with my relationship to work too – the hours and days I work. Before having Jenson, I thought that I’d be happy to go back to work full-time, but that hasn’t been the case.
I want more time with him.
Additional time where I don’t have to worry about doing the laundry or making food for the week.
Just time where we can be together, meet up with some friends who have babies the same age as Jenson and enjoy each other.
I’m lucky that I’m going to be able to compress my hours and return to work four days a week in the New Year. With my husband doing the same, we’ll be able to have a day each with our main man, Jenson, and significantly reduce the astoundingly high nursery bill.
Stepping into myself
Becoming a mum has propelled me forward in ways that I didn’t expect.
Some ways, I was expecting – like the desire to get my shit in order. Dropping the people pleasing so he doesn’t learn any of that. Embracing who I am and loving myself fully so he knows it’s ok to be happy and confident in yourself. Showing how I feel so that he learns that it’s ok to express a variety of emotions in a healthy way.
But I just didn’t expect how much further it would go.
I feel like I’m on the precipice of something amazing within.
Learning to accept and embrace all that I am. Stepping fully into my power and expressing myself without fear. Embracing conflict instead of shying away from it. All whilst simultaneously letting go of my notion of ‘self’ a little bit.
I don’t really have words for it. But I feel that something is coming.
Up until now I hadn’t felt conflict in caring for my son. I’d adopted a mantra ‘family first’ to prioritise what I did in life and how I decided what to do.
I said ‘no’ to opportunities at work because it would mean cutting a family holiday short.
I let invitations pass me by when it wasn’t at the right time for Jenson.
I supported Gregg coming home late each Wednesday so he could have the release he needed in playing football with friends.
Gregg supported me in continuing to coach people because it was important for me to do something I loved so much.
But this nursery thing – leaving Jenson crying and bereft – has me conflicted. It’s the first time that it feels like family isn’t first.
What is first is my desire to have enough money to be able to have holidays, to have mental stimulation from my role, the ability to be able to eat out and have some spending money, to attend one of my closest friends wedding in Australia when it takes place – all things that would be stretched thin if we went down to one salary.
I know that Jenson would be fine without all those things – all he needs is Gregg and I to be present and to shower him with love.
But I want more and, even though I’m part of the family, it feels like everyone’s needs aren’t being put first.
I’m finding it hard currently to be at peace with these conflicting needs – of wanting to put family first but also wanting to have a life that I want.
And I think there will be a lot more juxtaposing needs and beliefs in the future – this is just a sign of things to come…
So it’s been wonderful, challenging, heart-warming, tough, brilliant, crazy, centring. It’s been the out-of-this-world best and most difficult year of my life.
And I wonder at this moment what the second year of Jenson’s life will bring…