I was in a funk this morning.
I’d had a night which felt like a continual wrestle with an farty alligator (farts being a side effect I didn’t expect from teething) as Jenson tossed and turned, grizzled and cried.
I was at the bottom of my resources and felt aggrieved with how life is going at the moment.
I told myself that I would never have another child as I went through the motions of the morning and I negotiated time by myself with my husband.
I was pissed off when Gregg asked for some child-free time himself in return for watching Jenson this afternoon so I could have some quiet and peace.
I felt I needed time alone more (and I still stand by that!).
Gregg’d had a few hours to himself yesterday.
Hours that he’d spent food shopping, but still, that was the choice he’d made and they’d been child-free hours.
I couldn’t do it – couldn’t face a day with a cranky, teething baby. Having to be happy, jolly, all about him when inside I was wishing that I was child-free.
It’s hard to share these feelings because they aren’t ones that are very ‘acceptable’. They seem so wrong, especially knowing some people who are so desperate to have children but are struggling to conceive.
It feels so very unfair that I had Jenson so easily and am longing for a bit of my pre-child life back when it’s their dream to start a family.
But when you have children, dear friends, no matter how that happens – IVF, adoption, fostering – you will have moments of this too. Wishing to be child-free.
And that’ll be ok.
Raising children is full of joy but it’s oh so hard!
I’m glad to say that my day did get better after the shaky start.
Gregg suggested that we use his ‘Jenson free time’ to do something as a family. And so we went to a soft play centre that was a bit of a walk away. As soon as we got outside and started to chat and laugh and connect, I realised that I need more fun in my life.
You see, my life at the moment is very structured. I know where I’m going to be most of the time – it’s a necessity in order for life to work. I’ve compressed my working week so that I’m not financially strapped for cash yet still have a day off a week with Jenson. With an hour commute each way, this makes for long working days.
And as I’m a planner, I focus at the weekend on getting everything ready for the week ahead. Or I have plans at the weekend, which are lovely, but structured.
All work and little-to-no play, that’s what my life can feel like.
So going out as a family this weekend, off-the-cuff, felt really fun.
Walking and singing and dancing and playing was like salve to my soul. And I realised that I need more fun.
Not structured fun of planning lots of trips to see people. But jumping on a bus and going for a walk. Putting on music and dancing around. Going out for ice cream.
Less structure and more joy.
So that’s what I’m inviting into my life, with the hope that it will bring more joy to me and my family.