I’ve been feeling a bit stuck lately. Risking falling back into old patterns of comfort eating and feeling the old echoes of poor self-esteem and the belief that I’m not enough.
It’s been hard, although life has also been full of joy with seeing my son, Jenson develop so beautifully into his own little self. But in the moments of hardship, I’ve felt stretched beyond my means. I think this is mostly down to how I’m pouring all I have into Jenson and work, with little left for myself or other parts of my life.
I need to work out how I can have more balance…I feel like I’m getting there with my mum group looking at how I can find balance and trying to get time to myself. But it all feels like I’m just piling more stuff onto my ‘to do’ list – plan a date night, arrange more fun in my life – and things that should bring me joy are just bringing me a sense of heaviness.
And it doesn’t make me the easiest partner for my husband as I snap at him, feel so wrung out that I have little left for him, put him at the bottom of the list for my consideration and attention.
I hate it. And as understanding and loving as he is, I don’t want to stay like this.
It feels like, at times, little things push me over the edge.
Like how, when was woken up at 5:15am on Sunday by Jenson and it was my turn to look after him, I felt so utterly and completely pissed off.
Angry at having to get up.
Angry at Gregg for being able to sleep in.
Angry at myself for being angry when I have such an angel of a son.
And the only thing I could think to do was to roll my duvet up into a ball and punch it as hard as I could.
It’s a technique a counsellor has suggested to me years ago to express my anger and, not liking her very much, I’d shrugged off as ridiculous.
But, to my surprise, it was amazing.
The thwump sound it made, the resistance it provided, its softness which meant I didn’t hurt myself.
And Jenson found it hilarious, chuckling away at me as I beat my duvet to a pulp.
And in that moment I realised there’s another side to how I’m feeling.
There’s the tender side of me which needs more care and attention.
But there’s the frustrated, angry side of me – the side that holds back my frustration when Jenson is playing up, the frustration of being measured and balanced at work when I feel anything other than that inside, the frustration of having to hold the mental load at home (do we have food to eat, what plans do we have this week, better get the dinner on or we’ll be eating at midnight, how do we get to X, who should we speak to about Y) when I feel up to and over my eyeballs in responsibility.
It’s a side I haven’t acknowledged or expressed but as I was punching that duvet, boy did it feel good!
And so on Monday I went to a box fit class and spent 45 minutes pushing myself physically and enjoying the beautiful release that it was to punch something and release my pent-up rage.
I felt powerful, I felt relieved to have an outlet to how I was feeling.
And I know that this is something I need to explore more – my shadow side, my anger – to be at peace.
And as I do that, I’ll share my findings with you, my friend.