There are so many things that are going on for me right now. I’d love to spend hours unpacking them and digesting them on here…but the truth is that I’m speed typing this while my son is still asleep and I don’t have time to write a fat, satisfying blog post which dives into all and everything that is going on for me.
But I’d love to get some of what I’m thinking and feeling onto this digital page to perhaps visit later on.
Sometimes I get obsessed with a programme and want to do nothing else but spend my days and nights drinking it in until it’s over. The OA, Grey’s Anatomy, This is Us, Game of Thrones, Louis Theroux documentaries.
But more than ever at the moment I’m bored of TV. I find myself viewing myself watching something, sitting in front of a scenario which in some ways is a play-by-play of plots that have come before it.
This probably speaks of my hunger to do more than it does of the shows that are failing to keep my attention. I’ve been at home mostly every night for my son since his birth, but I feel something inside me call to do more, to have more active things for myself.
I’m looking into drumming groups, I feel like running once a week might be good for me…I’ve not quite yet sorted out what this means for me, but I know something needs to change.
We started talking about Brexit at work the other day and I felt so strongly about my view and so negatively about the other people’s views that I needed to leave the room to not raise my voice in a way that’s inappropriate for the workplace.
What makes it so hard to listen to the other people?
Why can’t I open my mind to see where they’re coming from as I can with mostly every other sentiment?
And I’m mulling over a thought that someone shared with me – how so much is passing us by – damning reports about the state of care for the elderly and children in care, the environment, the reducing budget to local council budgets which is crippling their ability to respond to those in need. And there are so many other critical areas which I am ignorant of – which are passing us by while we argue about whether we should leave or we should remain.
I want to do more – protest, revolt, make a stand for all these things that are so important to me – and yet I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where I can make a difference. I’m unsure where my voice could be heard beyond my own echo chamber of social media and the groups of people who have the same opinion as me.
It’s been almost a year since I stopped buying anything for myself that wasn’t essential. A year of not buying shoes, clothes, stationary or unneeded beauty products. I’ve stumbled a few times –
- I bought a dress (which is lovely but I didn’t need).
- I bought a teething necklace when I had a 30% off voucher (which I felt compelled to get but was a total waste of money)
- I bought a lip stain when I have loads of other lipsticks (but I like that this makes me feel pretty without making me look like I’ve got lipstick on)
Each time has taught me something about myself and my relationship with consumerism.
I’ve relaxed my rules slightly over the year – I’ve bought a few helpful apps for my phone (some have been great, some have been pointless) and a few books for a kindle so I didn’t need to lug around physical books on my travels (worth it in my opinion).
So the question for me is where I go from here to keep up my life of consuming less.
“Don’t be a nuisance”
I’ve noticed a voice holding me back at work. A voice which tells me to not bother people, to not stir things up or be pushy or take up too much space.
But to be effective in what I do, I need to push forward my agenda, I need to step into my power and take up space.
I’m ready to unfurl, but also scared of what this means.
I can feel a tightness in my throat as I think about it:
- Speaking my truth
- Demanding from others instead of hiding behind likeability
- Being more honest about what is going on for me
- Trusting more in myself, my skills, what I have to offer, my opinions and ideas about the way forward.
I’ve noticed how I’ve wanted to eat more recently – and to be honest, I have eaten to push down my fear about this.
It feels overwhelming at times to step into myself.
To let go of the behaviour that brought me to my struggles of today, which means turning back to how I was as a little girl – at school, at home, at church – trying to be accepted and contorting myself to fit in.
This way of behaving doesn’t fit me anymore, yet I don’t quite know how to step forward into my power.
So there are the immediate thoughts that spring to mind in the surprisingly long time my son has been asleep.
Happy Sunday to you, friend. I’m sending you hopes that you, too, get a bit of time to reflect on what’s going on in your mind and in your life.