I’m aware that I’ve not written a blog in a good few weeks now. I’ve started a few – one about my choice to be vegan, one about death and rebirth and another about the connection to each other that I’ve sensed we’ve lost.
But none of them have felt right.
I’ve been asking myself why I haven’t been able to finish/share them.
Part of me knows that there’s a hesitation to be open about my recent experiences which are a bit ‘hippy dippy’ and unlike anything I’ve experienced before. Will you accept me? Will people think I’m crazy? Are these precious, new things right to share as they unfurl within me?
Another part of me doesn’t want to alienate anyone (or perhaps make anyone uncomfortable) in sharing why I don’t eat meat, dairy or any other animal products. Or my controversial (and privileged) views about how we should consume less and step into different ways of being that hurt the planet less.
I shy away from confrontation and I know that writing about these issues can trigger responses in people that are not comfortable for me. And they might reflect things about myself that I’m not comfortable with – my white, middle-class privilege, for example.
I’ve also been hibernating to nourish myself so I can be present for those I love who are going through hard times – a friend whose child is very sick and has been on the brink of death, friends going through relationship break-ups or those trying to cope with redundancies at the worst possible moments in their lives.
And I’ve been hibernating as I ask myself some fundamental questions about who I am, what I need from relationships and where I want to be focusing my energy and time.
I also feel a new chapter of my life start to emerge. One that is focused less on introspection – asking the big questions of myself and exploring my experience as a woman on this earth – and focused more on discovering (and creating) who I am in action and in the moment.
So why am I sharing this with you?
Because I’ve been present on this blog, week in week out, for years now. And it doesn’t feel right to not be here without sharing why.
And because I sense this blog might change slightly in its focus (or I might even question whether it needs to be here at all going forward) and I needed to work this through out loud to you, my friend. To start planting the seed of ‘what is needed’ for me.
I’ve not been here, but I am still here.
So watch this space if you’re interested in what might come next.