I’m currently in the middle of an amazing trip visiting my dear friend, Nadine, in Texas.
On the cusp of this first prolonged trip away from my family, I felt apprehensive. But another part of me knew this trip was vitally important.
It was a time to find myself again after living in the reality of new motherhood for the past two years.
During these years, I tried to find a balance between my responsibilities to my son and my work, but looking back, I can see that other things suffered – myself, the relationships I hold dear, my health, my sanity(!)…
Balancing everything in a world that promises us that “we can have it all” is an impossibility. Because I believe that “having it all” is a lie.
Even if I were a millionaire, I might have more rest through the help of a nanny, but this would be at the cost of my motherhood.
And as I meditated on my way over in the airplane, I received the following wisdom;
Amy, you have 100% of your energy available to you. So how are you going to use it? Compromises will have to be made, certain things will have to fall away. But you have the ability to make a choice in all this.
And so sat in a beautiful cafe in south Austin, I looked at what my life currently looks like with everything important to me.
Here are my thoughts about certain parts of it:
Work is deeply important to me. It fuels my creativity, allows me to feel mastery and it contributes to being an active citizen (working for local government) as well as contributing to my personal growth. It’s important…and yet, it takes up most of my energy. I know as it is it’s not sustainable for the long-haul.
I miss my husband. I miss lazy lie-ins and carefree evenings spent with friends. I miss the time to love him, the energy to go on dates, lying next to him in bed, the spare money with no nursery to pay for to go on dates without thinking about the cost, the time to both enjoy TV shows together and also catch-up without any bedtime pressure.
I know this will pass, but it’s hard.
And I want to be aware of this so that we don’t come out of the early years of parenting fog to find ourselves on different tracks in life, lost to each other.
Recuperation and rest
This is another one which will change as Jenson grows and starts to sleep through the night. At present, my husband and I take turns to respond to our son’s cries and so at least half the week is made of broken sleep. This means that ideally bedtime is 9-9:30, which eats into my connection with Gregg and ability to tap into other areas of the circle – health, connection with friends, my spiritual life…
But it is what it is.
I’m realising how important it is to have an extended period of time – a night or two – away from the daily grind each month.
It’s important to have time just being me, time of sleeping in, time of not having every minute accounted for and a countdown to when bedtime should be.
It’s also a time of connection with friends and nature (where I get my spiritual connection), so I recognise that this isn’t just about rest, but about many more things.
I’ve not been as disciplined with prioritising this time away as I should be, but I will be moving forward.
Household & health
Sure, in an ideal world I’d do a yoga class weekly. I’d a tidier house. I’d stay fit by going for jogs instead of the continual late-sprint for my train or pedalling home on my bike. I’d eat less processed food. I’d do washing in my spare time instead of when I’m looking after Jenson.
But these aren’t priority areas for me at the moment.
And that’s ok.
I recognise that Gregg is stepping up and caring for our boy more than I am at the moment. And it’s not just when I’ve been here on holiday – he’s stepped into a 50:50 role if not slightly more of the care role at times.
I’ve needed him to do so when I’ve reached burnout and felt like I had nothing left to give.
And that’s ok.
I’m allowed for parenthood to be 50:50 at this early stage despite every cultural bone in my body proclaiming that I should be the carer. I should have the bigger role in Jenson’s early years.
This is compounded by a noticing of how I’m less capable of staying in the role of the ‘perfect’ mum – I don’t have enough energy for it.
The reality is that Jenson spends time watching Netflix if he wakes before 6am and I often find quick fixes to entertain him as I balance the minimal amount of housekeeping and food prep I do around time looking after him.
All the while, a little voice in my head tells me that I should be engaged with his play 100% and should leave the other stuff. Should leave my needs.
But I can’t.
And so I accept the reality of what is.
I notice that several of these areas are linked together. Motherhood, work and love all jostle for my time and one area reducing leads to a gain in another.
Likewise, rest and recuperation is met through travel (often to see friends) and provides time for me to seek a spiritual connection outside myself.
And my spiritual opening links to better health outcomes as I live with less anxiety and live more in my truth, which positively impacts my relationships with friend and family.
And so this wheel of life turns, ever adjusting for my awareness of it. Constantly dancing as I find space for that which I hold dear in my life.
Thanks to Nadine, who treated me to a night in the incredibly cool Carpenter Hotel, whose coffee I’ve been sipping while finishing these reflections.