I’ve been lone parenting this weekend as Gregg is at a stag party. I took Jenson to an animal rights protest in London yesterday, partly out of desire to be an active citizen and partly to have some plans to fill up my three days alone with him.
I’m so glad I went.
I loved hearing from animal activists who had so much information to share.
I loved the atmosphere as we marched through the streets of London, handing out flyers to the public.
I loved being part of something bigger than myself as we showed images of how animals are killed for our pleasure, kept in tiny cages so businesses can make as much profit as possible, viewed more as a commodity than a being who feels, fears and loves just like we do.
But that wasn’t my feeling right at the start of the march.
I felt uncomfortable, out of sorts, anxious as I made my presence known on the streets of London.
I felt like I didn’t have a right to be there.
It felt wrong to be speaking out – and speaking loud – instead of being in my safe little zone where I am vegan and will gently say why I am if people ask why (the reason, if you’re interested in for the planet – we can’t survive whilst still consuming such high levels of meat and dairy – and because of how animals are kept, treated and killed).
But I keep myself to myself.
I don’t push limits.
I keep my vegan views, my ‘controversial’ views of parenthood, family, love out of this blog for fear of offending you, dear friend.
And in that moment, something clicked for me. I realised that I don’t allow myself to be fully seen.
I don’t allow myself to share my views unless I’m given express permission to do it by someone.
And there are so many reasons I can think why.
Girls aren’t brought up to be forceful and I feel like I’m ‘too much’ when I think about my opinions and views on a range of topics.
I’m fearful of speaking out as that reminds me of my Christian experience growing up where we’d be encouraged to try to ‘convert’ people to our way of thinking.
I don’t feel comfortable dealing with conflict and, in putting my opinions ‘out there’, there will be many people who will disagree with me.
But that’s ok to live with these reasons – I can grapple with them as I work through giving myself permission to be seen and my voice heard.
And by that I mean all that I am, not just the bits of me that are mainstream and not controversial.
It feel scary and new and different to do this, but living this way feels aligned to the name of my blog – courage, truth and love – and so I know it’s the right thing for me to do.