Becoming less agreeable

I know that my future is going to involve being less agreeable. Less focused on being acceptable to others and more centred on my own agency as an individual.

I’ve learnt over the past years that standing up for myself and following my own path isn’t selfish or ugly. It doesn’t mean trampling on other people or only considering my own needs.

It means being assertive. Holding onto my own power centre so I know that my value isn’t what others think of me, how much they praise me or how pleased I make them. My value and self-esteem are determined from within.

It means carving out my own path. Holding onto the truth I don’t need to fit in. I just need to be.

It means coming home time and time again to myself. Creating a space where I reconnect with myself so that my mind and heart can coexist in harmony.

I sense this is the next stage on my journey to stopping people pleasing. I will say ‘no’ more often. I will speak my mind more often. Not to be unkind or difficult, but because I am starting to see that otherwise I’m clipping my own wings, making myself small to fit in and that’s not a price I’m comfortable paying anymore.

So here’s to taking up space and being less agreeable. It may not be an even, smooth road but it will definitely be a memorable one!

Questioning

I’ve now been back at work for two weeks and as I’m sat in the car on the way to a family day out I’m reflecting about how much motherhood has changed me. I feel like everything has been thrown up in the air and I’m left questioning the fundamentals in my life.

Who am I?

What do I want to do with the time I have on this Earth?

What is my greater purpose?

It feels like I’ve been upturned or my world has been flipped upside down. I just don’t know anything anymore.

Well, that’s not true. I know that I love my family more than I’ve ever loved anything else. I know that I want Jenson to come first at this time in life. I know that I need to express this uncertainty instead of keeping it hidden inside me like a secret. And I know that it’s ok to not have everything sorted, all the questions answered.

So I know a lot.

And instead of jumping into finding my purpose – studying something new to change career, change the colour of my hair to feel different or strike into action, I find myself being called to listen in stillness. I’m drawn to paying attention to what I’m noticing, I find myself wanting to slow down. It’s different to what I’ve usually done and I’m willing to give it a go.

So here I go on this new adventure into who I am and what I’m called to in life. Thank you for being here for me, friend, as I express what’s going on for me. It may be a journey I take along, but one that feels less lonely with you by my side.